Beat Down Those Cravings, Yo!

It's amazing how a person can change in a short amount of time. I remember last year around this time whenever I had the car after work I'd always either go to Burger King or McDonald's and order some incredibly disgusting food. I'd get the largest portions and unnecessary side junk to go along with it. Sometimes I wouldn't even have to be hungry, a little craving was all I needed to lose control and just go waste my money.

Something has definitely changed. Last year, I felt so powerless with my cravings. I knew that I should be eating healthier and trying to lose weight but I convinced myself that this one time wouldn't hurt--of course those "one times" built up to a LOT.

Today, I was tempted. But for some reason I didn't blindly go and order crap. I know I told myself that I would but I didn't. My mind automatically rationalized it and my body responded. I drove straight home. I know this is going to sound pathetic but it's amazing how far I've come from last year. From hating my life and thinking that I was going to get nowhere to now where I know that no matter what I'm going to change and become someone new.

I'm pretty sure this quote is helping me: "Don't reward yourself with food--you're not a dog."

Re-Start & Getting Ready

So I want to take back what I said the other night. Quick recap: My mom said she'd give me $500 if I lost 50 lbs by next May/June 2012. But this prospect didn't really make me excited or happy. It didn't even put a spark in my mind--in fact--I felt annoyed. Don't get me wrong, $500 is a ton of money and I don't treat what my mom offered to me lightly. For her that's a LOT of money to be giving me.

But I have one problem with this and that is I want to lose this weight. I want to eat healthy and transform my body into one sexy body. And WHEN I accomplish my goal I do NOT want my mom to think that the only reason why I succeeded was because she thought giving me $500 spurred me to action. That's bullshit. Even a million dollars wouldn't have motivated me.

Let's get this straight and put it on the blog for as proof. I'm not losing weight for anyone else. This decision to be healthier and fit is completely my own. It's born out of the many frustrations and anger and shame that I've felt for the past 20 years of my life. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin or body. There were many many many years when I hated to even look in the mirror and take pictures of myself avoiding a photo-op whenever I could. I've kept myself down and limited on activities because I felt like my weight was holding me back.

But that is such total bullshit. I am sick and tired of trying to hide behind this facade of a nice girl who doesn't care about her looks. The truth? I care a fucking lot about how I look. I would like to not feel so doubtful on whether or not I'm beautiful. I'd like to be able to look myself in the eyes and feel happy with myself. I'd like to walk into stores and not feel self-conscious that I can't fit into anything. I want to be able to live the life I want without falling behind the excuse of my weight.

I am very lucky. I have family and friends who care about me and support me. But there are/were also people in my life who bring me down. Who only just project negativity and made me feel horrible for the way I looked. I'm ready to kick their asses and make them drop their jaws when they see me.

And I've been holding myself back. Not really throwing myself into the whole weight loss thing. Just half-heartedly doing so. I need to do this and put myself on the line. Nobody gives a shit about what I am doing. No one is going to benefit or lose from losing this weight. Just me.

And I've been really thinking about all the missed opportunities. The times I pretended to not care and be above certain things because I knew I couldn't participate in them due to my own cowardice and self-loathing.

Well, I've had enough of that. 20 years of feeling like you're not good enough is plenty.

The time is now. Start now. Go now. Do it now. The present. Because it determines the future.

So yeah. Watch me shine.

Thrive on adversity.

<3

Just SHUT UP and DO IT.

Seriously, just shut up and do it.

Yesterday I almost didn't work out. I was mentally complaining and bitching about going downstairs and exercising. It was amazing because I had no excuse to avoid it. I didn't have work. My day was pretty much free and I would be eating out with a friend later so I definitely needed to work out.

But once I got into the exercise, 43 minutes passed by quickly. It never feels like I'm doing almost 3/4 of an hour when I do Turbo Jam.

And today, I woke up and got to exercising. By 9:30 am, I was done and ready to take a shower. Do you know what time I usually wake up at? 10 and/or 11am. Yeah, I'd still be asleep in bed right now.

I need to realize that a LOT can happen in one year. A LOT. A SHIT TON. But nothing will change if I'm not willing to put in the work and effort.

I may not reach the goal of losing 90 lbs exactly but I know that if I work hard and push myself, I can achieve a very healthy and ideal body.

So just shut the fuck up. Stop your bitchin' and start DOING.

Today is going to be an awesome day.

BOOM. <3