So I want to take back what I said the other night. Quick recap: My mom said she'd give me $500 if I lost 50 lbs by next May/June 2012. But this prospect didn't really make me excited or happy. It didn't even put a spark in my mind--in fact--I felt annoyed. Don't get me wrong, $500 is a ton of money and I don't treat what my mom offered to me lightly. For her that's a LOT of money to be giving me.
But I have one problem with this and that is I want to lose this weight. I want to eat healthy and transform my body into one sexy body. And WHEN I accomplish my goal I do NOT want my mom to think that the only reason why I succeeded was because she thought giving me $500 spurred me to action. That's bullshit. Even a million dollars wouldn't have motivated me.
Let's get this straight and put it on the blog for as proof. I'm not losing weight for anyone else. This decision to be healthier and fit is completely my own. It's born out of the many frustrations and anger and shame that I've felt for the past 20 years of my life. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin or body. There were many many many years when I hated to even look in the mirror and take pictures of myself avoiding a photo-op whenever I could. I've kept myself down and limited on activities because I felt like my weight was holding me back.
But that is such total bullshit. I am sick and tired of trying to hide behind this facade of a nice girl who doesn't care about her looks. The truth? I care a fucking lot about how I look. I would like to not feel so doubtful on whether or not I'm beautiful. I'd like to be able to look myself in the eyes and feel happy with myself. I'd like to walk into stores and not feel self-conscious that I can't fit into anything. I want to be able to live the life I want without falling behind the excuse of my weight.
I am very lucky. I have family and friends who care about me and support me. But there are/were also people in my life who bring me down. Who only just project negativity and made me feel horrible for the way I looked. I'm ready to kick their asses and make them drop their jaws when they see me.
And I've been holding myself back. Not really throwing myself into the whole weight loss thing. Just half-heartedly doing so. I need to do this and put myself on the line. Nobody gives a shit about what I am doing. No one is going to benefit or lose from losing this weight. Just me.
And I've been really thinking about all the missed opportunities. The times I pretended to not care and be above certain things because I knew I couldn't participate in them due to my own cowardice and self-loathing.
Well, I've had enough of that. 20 years of feeling like you're not good enough is plenty.
The time is now. Start now. Go now. Do it now. The present. Because it determines the future.
So yeah. Watch me shine.
Thrive on adversity.