Beat Down Those Cravings, Yo!

It's amazing how a person can change in a short amount of time. I remember last year around this time whenever I had the car after work I'd always either go to Burger King or McDonald's and order some incredibly disgusting food. I'd get the largest portions and unnecessary side junk to go along with it. Sometimes I wouldn't even have to be hungry, a little craving was all I needed to lose control and just go waste my money.

Something has definitely changed. Last year, I felt so powerless with my cravings. I knew that I should be eating healthier and trying to lose weight but I convinced myself that this one time wouldn't hurt--of course those "one times" built up to a LOT.

Today, I was tempted. But for some reason I didn't blindly go and order crap. I know I told myself that I would but I didn't. My mind automatically rationalized it and my body responded. I drove straight home. I know this is going to sound pathetic but it's amazing how far I've come from last year. From hating my life and thinking that I was going to get nowhere to now where I know that no matter what I'm going to change and become someone new.

I'm pretty sure this quote is helping me: "Don't reward yourself with food--you're not a dog."

I'm a Writer.

Like, really. I am.

I don't know if it was because I happen to be the daughter of Korean immigrants or if it was the prospect of doing something on my own as a six-year-old but when I learned how to read THAT changed everything. Absolutely everything. I'm starting to realize that maybe my encounter with words isn't actually common nor was my reaction.

I still remember the moment when everything absolutely clicked. CLICKED. Literally everything snapped together and I saw the big picture. I can't even begin to describe my excitement as a first grader when realizing that the letters t-h-e spelled out a word that I knew. The first book I learned how to read was because I've heard it being read so many times and since it was a rhyme accompanied with related pictures I knew the words by heart. Then connecting the letters, sounds, and words into a cohesive story? It was magical. There was a small booklet I got to use for practice. It was basically a really short picture book but I remember going home that day and reading it over and over and over and over and over again. Probably annoyed my parents because I must've read it aloud so many times as well clearly proud of my new ability.

I've always found that writing has come easily to me. I feel most comfortable expressing myself through words. Typing them out or writing. I'm not as good as a speaker than a writer.

And I just had another revelation. Maybe the reason why I happen to just suck at math and science is because of two things. 1) Where is the story? There is no story. No plot. No characters. When I was learning about math and science I had to memorize the formulas and equations. I had to practice again and again the problems so I can remember them for a test. It was boring and no fun at all. Whereas subjects like English, history, and social sciences? Some stories were real and others weren't. But that was the main difference. There were characters, a plot, and a story. Which brings me to reason number 2) writing helps me understand. I excelled in those three subjects because I had to write essays and plenty of papers analyzing everything. No wonder math and science just got harder for me. I can't just be given concepts and expected to infer how to solve a problem. I have to work it out through writing and expressing things in my own way to comprehend it.

Damn. I think this one takes the cake for revelations. Really. Damn.

That does it. I'm double majoring in English and Sociology. Then I'll be thinking about graduate school.

Wow.

Re-Start & Getting Ready

So I want to take back what I said the other night. Quick recap: My mom said she'd give me $500 if I lost 50 lbs by next May/June 2012. But this prospect didn't really make me excited or happy. It didn't even put a spark in my mind--in fact--I felt annoyed. Don't get me wrong, $500 is a ton of money and I don't treat what my mom offered to me lightly. For her that's a LOT of money to be giving me.

But I have one problem with this and that is I want to lose this weight. I want to eat healthy and transform my body into one sexy body. And WHEN I accomplish my goal I do NOT want my mom to think that the only reason why I succeeded was because she thought giving me $500 spurred me to action. That's bullshit. Even a million dollars wouldn't have motivated me.

Let's get this straight and put it on the blog for as proof. I'm not losing weight for anyone else. This decision to be healthier and fit is completely my own. It's born out of the many frustrations and anger and shame that I've felt for the past 20 years of my life. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin or body. There were many many many years when I hated to even look in the mirror and take pictures of myself avoiding a photo-op whenever I could. I've kept myself down and limited on activities because I felt like my weight was holding me back.

But that is such total bullshit. I am sick and tired of trying to hide behind this facade of a nice girl who doesn't care about her looks. The truth? I care a fucking lot about how I look. I would like to not feel so doubtful on whether or not I'm beautiful. I'd like to be able to look myself in the eyes and feel happy with myself. I'd like to walk into stores and not feel self-conscious that I can't fit into anything. I want to be able to live the life I want without falling behind the excuse of my weight.

I am very lucky. I have family and friends who care about me and support me. But there are/were also people in my life who bring me down. Who only just project negativity and made me feel horrible for the way I looked. I'm ready to kick their asses and make them drop their jaws when they see me.

And I've been holding myself back. Not really throwing myself into the whole weight loss thing. Just half-heartedly doing so. I need to do this and put myself on the line. Nobody gives a shit about what I am doing. No one is going to benefit or lose from losing this weight. Just me.

And I've been really thinking about all the missed opportunities. The times I pretended to not care and be above certain things because I knew I couldn't participate in them due to my own cowardice and self-loathing.

Well, I've had enough of that. 20 years of feeling like you're not good enough is plenty.

The time is now. Start now. Go now. Do it now. The present. Because it determines the future.

So yeah. Watch me shine.

Thrive on adversity.

<3

The Bet is ON.

All right. I really need to lose the weight. My mom has said that she will give me $500 if I lose 50 lbs by the time I come back from college next summer.

I know I can do it. It's a very attainable goal. Doable. Not impossible.

But this means, I have to be serious and dedicate everything I have to accomplish this.

What do I want?

A lot of things. Most of which relate to being healthy and fit. Thinner.

I need to draw up a diet plan before I get to school. By the end of 2011, I should be able to lose 20-30 lbs. By the end of spring semester in May 2012, I should be able to lose another 20-30 lbs.

Very possible.

Just depends on how much I want this.

Let's go. Shopping spree of my life? Here I come. . .

Not Going Back

Seriously fuck rude ass people. What the hell is wrong with people these days? Seriously? What gives people the right to treat other like complete SHIT because they happen to have a job? I have no idea why this incredibly rude black woman decided to completely SHIT on me but here goes.

From this point on, she will be called Condescending Black Female Customer or CBFC for short. Now, I was working the cash register like usual when CBFC came through my line. She bought a jug of juice but also had a a paper inside plastic bag with groceries inside. I wasn't sure if she already bought the stuff and so just asked if she bought it and if she had a receipt.

Cue the flipping out of the century. She proceeded to continuously say that my question was STUPID. Repeated it several times. She had attitude and made me feel guilty for just doing my fucking job. And because I need this job and can't be fired for it, I held my tongue and just let her walk all over me.

Here's the thing, the bags at our store are EASILY acceptable. People can just take the plastic and paper bags. Also, there are customers who re-use the bags and bring them in time and time again. There are still other customers who will have done a refund or an exchange and have it in the plastic/paper bags. All you have to do is TELL ME. You don't even have to provide proof. Just by being pleasant and telling me is enough. She didn't even give me that! She just kept saying how STUPID I was for asking the question. Didn't even answer the question whether or not she even BOUGHT the damn groceries. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. I was following protocol and doing my job. I wasn't accusing her, it's just natural to ask. And all she FUCKING had to do was just say she already bought it but no she had to resort to treating me like SHIT.

And seriously? I was SO CLOSE. SO FUCKING CLOSE to flipping out on her. Telling her the reasons. But I didn't. Why? Because I'm poor. My family is poor. I need this job. I need money. But you know what?! I've had enough.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. 

All my life, I've had to held my breath and just swallow everything. No way to defend myself. Just take whatever shit comes my way and deal with it. Be a fucking doormat. No. Way. I've had enough. I have had ENOUGH.

I used to be scared of the backlash. Of what would happen to me. But seriously? I deserve to be treated like a person. And while I may not sound like it now but I am an incredibly nice person. I'm polite. Talk to anyone who knows me and you'll hear that I'm nice and that people can't possibly fathom me doing anything wrong.

But there is a fine line between being nice and polite and then letting people walk all over you.

I don't care what it takes. I'm not working at my grocery job next summer. There are plenty of other places and opportunities for me elsewhere. I just have to work my ass off and get it.

So in a way, thank you incredibly CBFC. You helped me decided that I'm not going to tolerate your BULLSHIT.

I hope you learn how to polite and not blame everything on your race.

August 2011 Workout Plan - Week 1

Okay, the original plan was to work out five days out of the week. But I think I'm going to have trouble with that so I'm going to shorten it by one day. Four days out of the week. Three days of rest.

While I am a little disappointed that my body can't seem to handle more, I'd rather work out four days out of the week CONSISTENTLY than work out five days out of a week then skip the next week.

So I'll be mixing up the workouts with the Turbo Jam dvds.

During the fall semester though, I'd like to work out five times out of the week. Go hard in school or go home!

Mulan's Hair Cut

My hair was up to my shoulders when I last cut it. . .two years ago. Yeah, my hair grows fast. Asian Rapunzel?

Today I am hanging out with E. P. and feasting on Korean food, getting our hair cut, and watching Korean dramas. It's going to be awesome.

But why am I cutting my hair? I mean, yes, it's long. But you see, I feel like I've been hiding behind my curtain of hair. The only part of my body that anyone has ever complimented or called pretty. The only part of my body that people envy. And when you're almost 100 lbs overweight with nothing else to brag about, you take what you can get. By cutting my hair, I am telling myself that there is so much more to me than just my hair. That there are other parts of my body that are pretty as well and that I don't need other people to affirm that for me.

I am beautiful the way I am right now. And I am working hard to become an even more beautiful person by deciding to take care of my body and take some responsibility for the years of neglect.

And the link to Mulan?

I mean, no I'm not running off to the army but this is definitely a turning point for Mulan. I really want to do this. Lose weight. Become healthy. Change my life for the better and follow my own path instead of what is laid out before me.

So yeah. Let's hope the haircut doesn't turn out too badly.

And just for fun~

 

Okay. After picture!